


It's all I've ever wanted but I can't love you

by thatsongbird



Series: Spring Awakening Soulmates [2]
Category: Frühlings Erwachen | Spring Awakening - Frank Wedekind, Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Hanschen and Thea and Melitta are siblings, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, The whole gang is here, Underage Drinking, and they're very queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 05:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8238322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsongbird/pseuds/thatsongbird
Summary: "I can't believe the beauty of this momentIt's all I've ever wantedBut I can't love you"
Hanschen just wants Ernst to love him but Ernst knows they have soulmates out there and it will just hurt more to say goodbye if they stay together now. So, even though it hurts, Ernst has to tell Hanschen he can't love him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> SO, here's the Hernst prequel to Pretty Mess that I mentioned. If you haven't read that well it's not necessary for this to make sense. but if you want more soulmates then head on over there for Melchior and Moritz being foolish and in love. x
> 
> There's a group chat in this and although I do mention who belongs to which nickname if you want the list it's in the notes at the end.  
> I put Bobby Maler in as a very minor character because like he's always this absolute asshole in every Hernst fic so I was like *shrug emoticon* why not make him an alright guy?  
> Anyway, again, I wrote this to procrastinate studying for exams. i have a problem.  
> Oh, well. Please enjoy reading this!  
> Lyrics in the summary and title from 'I Can't Love You' by Adore Delano

“I’m sorry, I can’t love you.”

It hurt to say those words, it hurt to see the look on Hanschen’s face as he insisted it didn’t bother him, it hurt to think maybe he meant it.

Ernst had had crush on Hanschen since they were twelve, in love with him since they were fourteen, and now they were sixteen and Hanschen kissed him and confessed he wanted to be something other than friends. At first, Ernst was elated. He had dreamt of this moment for years, and so he told him he loved him, he kissed him back, everything was good and right.

But, later that night the doubt and worry set in. They had soulmates out there. Soulmates who most likely were not each other. Soulmates they would find one day. Soulmates they belonged with. Their relationship could never last. Someone would get hurt in the end.

Ernst used to daydream about finding his soulmate when he was a child. She would be pretty and sweet and love Ernst more than anyone else, as he would love her as he had never loved anyone. She would have a kind and loving smile, long hair maybe, blonde hair definitely, piercing blue eyes, and most importantly she would be his soulmate. He realised later in his life, however, that his soulmate wouldn’t even be a ‘she’ at all. That was minor compared to his newfound crush on Hanschen at the time.

Ernst realised he would have to tell Hanschen that they couldn’t be together. He knew it would hurt, but it would hurt less to do it now rather than later. So he organised to meet Hanschen at the vineyard, where they had kissed, and break off what had barely even begun.

Ernst arrived first, nervously pacing the spot in the shade where they had sat.

“Ernst.” He turned when he heard his name called in that familiar voice. Hanschen had an easy smile on his face, Ernst a forced one. He held up a hand to wave as Hanschen walked over, the easy smile slipping off his face as he neared him and noticed the worried expression. “What’s wrong?”

“We need to talk.”

“Oh, that’s never a good thing.”

“It’s about us,” Ernst started. “I shouldn’t have told you I loved you.”

“Well, I mean maybe it was a bit early, but that’s not an issue.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. I should never have told you.”

“Ernst, what are you saying?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t love you.” The word stung and he regretted them the moment they left his lips.

“What?” Hanschen was trying really hard to maintain his typical neutral facade.

“We would only end up hurt in the end,” Ernst explained, fighting back tears. “We have soulmates we’ll meet one day and then this thing we have will be over.”

“So?” Hanschen was sounding petulant. “That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it in the meantime.”

“But I will only grow more in love with you and then it will hurt more to leave you.” Why couldn’t Hanschen just understand and let this be easy?

“It’s not love, darling, it’s just a bit of fun.” That hit him where it hurt. Sure, he figured he was more into Hanschen than Hanschen was into him, but he thought it had meant something.

“But, our soulmates-”

“Will be there in our future,” Hanschen finished for him. “We’re here in our present. We may as well enjoy it.”

Ernst wanted to say yes. He wanted to be able to be with Hanschen and love him while he could, he wanted to be in his arms and kiss him and forget the future. But, he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Goodbye, Ernst.” Hanschen walked away without a second glance.

Ernst dropped to the ground, kneeling in the dirt he felt the tears start to run down his cheeks. Why did it hurt so much when he was doing this to prevent it from being so painful?

It was two weeks before Ernst saw Hanschen again. It was Moritz’s birthday and Melchior had thrown him a surprise party, inviting all their friends. Ernst did well to avoid him for most of the party, spending most of it hanging around Ilse. Hanschen and Ilse didn’t exactly get along so he figured she was a safe way to avoid him - Ernst suspected she caught on, but she didn’t bring it up. But, he didn’t want to just follow her around for the whole night, and he was looking for some time to sit alone, so he sought out a quiet room to do so. He made his way upstairs and down the hall to Melchior’s bedroom. He sat down on the large double bed and sipped his glass of juice - Ilse had brought some to mix with vodka, he passed on the vodka. Ernst was just finishing off the last of the drink when the door opened. He looked up and found Hanschen standing there.

“There you are,” he said, a widening smile on his lips. “I was looking for you.” He closed to door and walked over to sit on the bed beside Ernst.

“For me?” Their close proximity didn’t go unnoticed by Ernst, he moved back a bit. “Why?”

“We need to talk,” Hanschen answered. Ernst could tell he’d been drinking. “About us.”

“We already did,” Ernst replied. “There’s nothing more to say.” He felt that if they discussed this again he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“There is, though,” Hanschen insisted. “Who cares.”

“Huh?”

“Soulmates. Who cares about them?” Hanschen leaned closer as he spoke. “Why do we have to be with our soulmate because society says we do? What if your soulmate is an asshole?”

“I hardly think someone I’m fated to be with is an asshole.”

“I bet your soulmate is a real jerk.”

Before Ernst could get out a reply Hanschen’s lips were pressed to his as he cupped his face in his hands. Ernst found himself kissing back, completely melting against him.

Suddenly the door opened again and Ernst jumped back, staring at the figure standing there.

“Gross.” It was Melchior. “Can you not have sex in my bed?”

“We weren’t having sex!” Ernst squeaked at the same time Hanschen drawled, “At least I can get some.” 

“Whatever,” Melchior brushed off the replies. “We’re having cake soon, so come downstairs.” With that he turned and left.

Ernst turned back to Hanschen. “I’m sorry.”

“He should apologise, not you.”

“No, I mean, I’m sorry for kissing you.”

Hanschen laughed. “I kissed you.”

“I kissed you back,” Ernst replied, “and I shouldn’t have. I meant what I said, Hansi, I can’t love you.”

Hanschen scowled at the ground. “I’m not asking you to love me, Ernst.”

“But, I do.” He resisted the urge to reach out for him. “And if I’m with you I will just love you more. I can’t separate my feelings from this, I’m not like you.”

Hanschen looked up at him and Ernst swore he saw hurt and sadness before the glare he was pierced with. “You’re such an idiot.”

Then he stood and left, leaving Ernst to watch again as Hanschen walked away from him.

Hanschen stormed downstairs and into the living room. He found Georg and Otto there and turned to them.

“Either of you sober?” He asked.

“He is,” Georg answered, pointing to Otto, “because he doesn’t want to have fun with me.”

Otto rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I am, you need a lift home or something?”

“Yeah, a lift.” Hanschen nodded. “But not home.”

“Right, okay, I’ll take you,” he replied. “After we have cake though.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“All good, I should be getting Georg home soon anyway.”

The boy mentioned was currently leaning heavily on Otto, he looked up at the mention of his name. “What? No! I’m not leaving yet!” Hanschen walked away, going to wait outside.

“After cake,” Otto explained. “You’re drunk, Georg.”

“So?”

“So, we’re leaving.”

“No,” Georg protested, shaking his head.

“If you come when I ask you can stay at my house tonight?” Otto attempted. 

Georg stopped to think for a moment. “And you’ll make me pancakes in the morning?”

“I can’t cook.”

“You’ll make me toast in the morning?”

“I can do that.”

Georg smiled. “Okay, deal.”

“Good.”

They headed to the kitchen for birthday cake.

“So,” Otto started as they drove away from Melchior’s house, “where are we going?”

“To get a tattoo.”

Georg’s head whipped around to the look at Hanschen in the back seat. “You’re too young!”

“I know a place,” Hanschen replied. “It’s right by that bike shop on the main road.”

“Just past the hairdressers your sister works at?” Otto asked. 

“Yeah, that one,” Hanschen answered. “For a few extra fees they’ll do it.”

“I don’t feel comfortable taking you there.”

“What, why?” Hanschen frowned.

“You’ve been drinking,” Otto replied. “You’re not in the right mindset to make serious decisions.”

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah, Otto, he’s fine,” Georg added. “I want to see Hanschen get a tattoo!”

“Then go with him when he’s sober.” There was a tone of finality in his voice. “Now, Hanschen do you want to go back to the party or home?”

“I’ll just go home,” he huffed, annoyed at the ruined plans.

“No!” Georg said a little too loudly.

“Georg he’s not getting a tattoo.”

“No, not that.” Georg shook his head. “We should get food. I want cupcakes.”

“You just had cake.” Otto answered.

“Yeah, but I want one of those special cupcakes from that late night diner.”

“We’re not going all the way there just for a cupcake.”

“Please, Otto, pretty please!” Georg begged. “I promise I’ll never ask for anything else ever! Pleeeeaaaase!”

“Okay, fine!” Otto groaned. “But you get only one.”

“I want two.”

Otto let out a deep sigh. “Fine.”

Georg had a satisfied smirk on his face.

When they pulled up outside the diner Otto and Georg got out to go get the cupcakes, Hanschen decided to stay in the car. A few seconds after they left, Georg ran back to the car.

“Hanschen! What are you still doing here?”

“What?” Hanschen looked at him, confused - Georg must have been drunker than he thought.

“The tattoo parlour! It’s just around the corner from here!”

Hanschen realised he was right. “Wait. You did this on purpose?”

“Pretty genius, huh?” Georg asked, looking all too proud of himself.

“I wouldn’t say that, but a commendable cunning plan,” Hanschen answered, getting out of the car.

“Right, so hurry! I’ll distract Otto for as long as I can!”

“Thanks, Georg,” Hanschen called as he ran off, “I owe you one!”

After getting their cupcakes - Georg ended up getting three because he was taking far too long to decide between them and Otto got impatient - Georg and Otto walked back out to the car.

“Where’s Hanschen?” Otto asked, glancing around.

“I don’t know.” Georg shrugged.

“You’re lying. Where is he?”

“Not around the corner,” Georg answered as they got into the car.

“Around the corn-” Otto paused as realisation hit him. “Is he at the tattoo place?”

“What? Of course not!” Georg answered, reaching into the box of cupcakes.

“I can’t believe you manipulated me!” Otto said in disbelief, snatching the box out of Georg’s hands. “You’re not getting these until we’re home now.” Georg pouted, reaching for the box which Otto placed on the back seat. “If you touch them you’re not staying over tonight.”

“You’re so cruel to me,” Georg complained.

“And you lied to me.”

“You must really hate your soulmate, kid,” the tattoo artist, Bobby was his name, said to Hanschen.

“Not hate,” he replied. “They just sort of screwed up something special for me.”

“Yeah, my soulmate screwed up my tattoo I got by adding to it,” Bobby told him. “We worked things out though.”

“So, you’ve met them?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, a smile on his lips. “She is actually a really great girl, you know? Beautiful, sweet, one of those people who are just so full of brightness.”

“Sounds nice,” Hanschen replied.

“Yeah, but you’ll understand that soon enough,” Bobby replied. “You’re soulmate is your soulmate for a reason, after all.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Hanschen began to wonder if maybe he shouldn’t have done this. But then he remembered if it wasn’t for soulmates then Ernst would let himself love him and they’d be happy. Hanschen didn’t want to meet his soulmate. Soulmates were the worst.

“And we’re done.”

Hanschen looked down at the tattoo written across his upper thigh. “It looks good.”

“Of course it does,” Bobby replied with a laugh, “I do know what I’m doing.”

“You certainly do.”

When Hanschen walked out from the back room where got his tattoo done he was met with an angry-looking Otto and a guilty-looking Georg.

“Hey, guys.” He grinned.

“I can’t believe you.” Otto sounded genuinely disappointed. “Hurry up so we can go.”

“I have to pay first,” Hanschen replied.

“Then do that now. We’ll wait in the car.”

Otto began walking away, but Georg just grinned at Hanschen. “Show me the tattoo!”

“I’d have to take my pants off.”

“And?”

“Georg, leave him to pay.”

He obliged and the two of them left as Hanschen went to pay for his tattoo.

When he got into the car Otto no longer seemed angry, and his tone was softer when he spoke.

“Listen, Hanschen, I didn’t mean to get angry. I just don’t want you to regret this.”

“I won’t,” Hanschen said.

“You might,” Otto replied. “Are you really so eager to meet your soulmate already?”

“What? God, no.”

“Then why the tattoo?”

“To let them know I’m not interested.”

“What did you get Hanschen?” Georg asked.

“Just a message for my soulmate.”

“What’s it say?” Georg’s words were beginning to slur slightly, Hanschen suspected more from growing tiredness rather than the alcohol in his system.

“That’s a secret between me and my soulmate.” Hanschen expected another question but Georg was quiet.

The rest of the drive to drop Hanschen off at home was rather quiet, all that was said being the round of 'goodbyes’ when they got to his house.

Ernst had gone downstairs not long after Hanschen. He went to the kitchen for the birthday cake, not that he ate anyway, and left not long after that, getting a lift with Wendla and Ilse. Once home, Ernst went straight to his room, kicked off his shoes, pulled his pants off, and got straight into bed.

When Ernst woke the next morning he went to the bathroom, still half-asleep, then back to his room where he went to put on some shorts. But when he went to put them on he saw something shocking.

-

Chat: Squad of Strangely Attractive Individuals (that means me - Georg)

the cute one: guys my soulmate hates me

milk-boy: what? why do you think that?

Fairy Queen: I’m sure your soulmate doesn’t hate you, Ernst 

the cute one: he does I know it!

the cute one: he said so himself

Just Otto: You met him?

the cute one: no. he got a tattoo.

milk-boy: what is it?

Fairy Queen: What is it?

Just Otto: ??

the cute one: it says “Fuck You”

Just Otto: oh

milk-boy: wow

Fairy Queen: You don’t know it’s directed at you.

the cute one: it says “dear soulmate” above it

Fairy Queen: I’m sure it’s not how it all seems.

milk-boy: how could that mean anything else?

Fairy Queen: I’m trying to be positive, Melchior!

milk-boy: right. anyway, when did you find this tattoo??

the cute one: this morning when I got dressed. 

the cute one: why ??

milk-boy: just asking..

-

Chat: Otto Lammermeier, Melchior Gabor

Melchior: didn’t you say Hanschen got a tattoo last night???

Otto: Yeah ?

Otto: Do you think he’s Ernst’s soulmate???

Melchior: it can’t just be coincidence 

Melchior: plus that is something Hanschen would get as a tattoo

Otto: I don’t think even Hanschen would do that to his soulmate 

Melchior: I don’t know. It would make sense if they were soulmates. 

Otto: how do you mean?

Melchior: they’re totally in love

Otto: they are?

Melchior: you’re so oblivious

Otto: you’re one to talk

Melchior: ??

Otto: never mind. you really think it’s Hanschen?

Melchior: I really do

Melchior: and I’ll find out.

-

Chat: Squad of Strangely Attractive Individuals (that means me - Georg)

milk-boy: Ernst I think everything will be okay

the cute one: what do you mean?

milk-boy: I don’t think your soulmate hates you. I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding. 

Fairy Queen: See, Ernst? I’m sure they didn’t mean it. 

the cute one: how would you guys know?

Fairy Queen: Because I know nobody could hate you, especially not your soulmate.

milk-boy: I just sense it.

-

Moritz had stayed the night at Melchior’s house after his party. He woke up the next morning to Melchior pacing his room, on the phone to someone.

“Just tell me what it said,” he demanded to the other person. “Because I need to know, Hanschen…I just do…I can’t tell you why…look you’re going to find out in a moment…just tell m-” he cut off his words and paused, eyes widening and a grin forming on his face. “I can’t believe it…just go check the group chat…just do it, now…you need to…good…bye.”

Melchior hung up the phone and turned around to find a sleepy-looking Moritz staring up at him from his bed, his hair sticking out everywhere.

“What was that about, Melchi?” Moritz asked before yawning.

“Hanschen and Ernst have something to sort out.”

“Huh?” Moritz’s brow furrowed in a confused and all-too-adorable-for-Melchior-to-handle way.

“I’ll explain over breakfast,” he replied, moving towards the door. “I’m making scrambled eggs.” He hurried out to the kitchen.

Ernst looked down at his phone as it rang, the name 'Hansi’ on the screen. First the tattoo from his soulmate, now Hanschen wouldn’t stop calling, Ernst’s day was just getting worse and worse. He was just about to turn his phone off when his door opened and Hanschen was standing there.

“What are you doing here?”

“You didn’t answer my calls.”

“I lost my phone.”

Hanschen’s eyes moved to the phone still in Ernst’s hand, he raised an eyebrow.

“I just found it?” Ernst said, sounding unsure.

“Whatever, that’s not important.” Hanschen closed the door, walking further into Ernst’s room. “I’m here to apologise.”

“Apologise?” Ernst was confused.

“I am so sorry, Ernst, I am so deeply sorry.” He looked very distraught.

“Hansi, look, it’s okay. You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry, I’m the one who kissed you only to tell you I don’t want to be with you…twice.”

“No, Ernst, forget that.” Handchen shook his head. “We can be together, you can love me.”

“Hansi, please, I’ve said it already, I can’t- What are you doing?”

Hanschen looked at him, hands still unzipping the fly on his pants. “Proving to you we can be together.” Hanschen explained as he started to pull his pants down. 

“Hansi, uh,” Ernst began, but freezing when he saw the tattoo on Hanschen’s thigh. He stared at it, then up to Hanschen’s face, then back to his tattoo. “You…why did you do that?”

“I was upset,” Hanschen said, “and drunk, and you broke my heart, and I figured it was all because of soulmates, so I was angry, and I wasn’t thinking.”

Ernst wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Hanschen still had his pants halfway down his legs and so he just stumbled forwards, almost completely falling onto Ernst. He pulled back to say something, only to have Ernst’s lips pressed against his. He kissed him back, moving to sit on the bed beside him, and holding his face in his hands.

“I love you,” Ernst mumbled against his lips. “I’m sorry, for everything.”

“No, don’t be,” Hanschen replied. “I’m sorry I got angry, and ended up doing something stupid.”

“You always do something stupid.”

Hanschen shoved him playfully. “So, are you going to show me or do I have to just believe what you said?”

“What?”

“The tattoo,” Hanschen said, as if it were obvious.

“Oh, right.” Ernst shuffled back and pushed the hem of his shorts up so Hanschen could see.

“I really am sorry,” Hanschen apologised again. “It should fade in two weeks.”

“Two weeks?!” The look on Ernst’s face made Hanschen laugh before pulling him in for another kiss.

“Two weeks and then when we’re eighteen we can get better ones.”

“That sounds great,” Ernst replied with a smile. “But, in the meantime, maybe you should pull your pants back up?”

-

Chat: Squad of Strangely Attractive Individuals (that means me - Georg)

the cute one: guys ignore the previous messages

the cute one: my soulmate is wonderful and beautiful and he really, really likes me

milk-boy: Damn I’m like a modern day hero

Supreme Leader: Firstly, um no Melchior? And what?? Secondly, what’s going on? You met your soulmate?

Fairy Queen: You met him, Ernst???

milk-boy: firstly, um yes Georg. Secondly, he did. Thanks to me.

Just Otto: I don’t think you really did anything

milk-boy: I called him and told him

blue wind: so it’s someone we know??

fairy squad mother: or just someone he knows?

the short one: who is it???

eternal exhaustion: Melchi maybe you should tell them?

milk-boy: it’s not my news to tell

blue wind: yes you should tell us

Fairy Queen: I agree. We should let Ernst tell us.

Supreme Leader: well then where did Ernst go?

Just Otto: probably making out with his boyfriend

will water meadows: wait. Otto do you know who it is??

the short one: can someone just tell us??

Just Otto: maybe, Martha. Thea ask Ernst 

Anna needs a nickname: Otto and Melchior how do you know???

milk-boy: genius detective skills

blue wind: no really how?

the short one: ARE YOU HIS SOULMATE??

blue wind: Melchior?

milk-boy: me?

eternal exhaustion: it’s not Melchi!

Just Otto: oh my god ahhaha it’s not Melchior

will water meadows: Moritz you know too??

eternal exhaustion: Melchi told me

Just Otto: Georg just hit me because I wouldn’t tell him

the short one: good.

blue wind: nice

Supreme Leader: Okay who here doesn’t know??

blue wind: me

Fairy Queen: I don’t

the short one: me

will water meadows: me

Anna needs a nickname: me

fairy squad mother: no idea

Supreme Leader: and me. Okay. 

blue wind: someone get Ernst on so he can tell us

the short one: wait guys I think I know who it is!

Anna needs a nickname: who is it??

fairy squad mother: how do you know?

the short one: Melitta think about what happened this morning

fairy squad mother: ??

the short one: when you were making pancakes for breakfast?

fairy squad mother: yeah?? How is that relevant?

fairy squad mother: OMG 

fairy squad mother: how did it take us this long???

the short one: I know right!

Supreme Leader: okay so you two know now?? 

the short one: maybe

fairy squad mother: it’s an assumption

the short one: an educated guess

blue wind: omg you guys just tell us!

will water meadows: I’m done. I’m just going to stop asking and wait

Anna needs a nickname: same here Martha

blue wind: well I want to know!

Fairy Queen: As do I

Supreme Leader: me too!

Fairy Queen: Ernst is online!

blue wind: !!!

Supreme Leader: Ernst tell us who your soulmate is!

What’s new pussycat?: only the most perfect person

Supreme Leader: Hanschen you know??

the short one: wow Hans 

fairy squad mother: of course you’d say that

milk-boy: in you’re dreams Hanschen

the cute one: meet my soulmate

the cute one: [sent an image]

will water meadows: OMG

Anna needs a nickname: OMG

blue wind: you’re kidding

Supreme Leader: oh fuck

Fairy Queen: I’m so happy for you both!

What’s new pussycat?: I look good in that photo

-

“You’re so into yourself,” Ernst rolled his eyes.

“But I’m more into you.”

“I’m into you, too.”

Hanschen smiled as he pulled him in for another kiss.

Ernst always knew he’d have an amazing soulmate.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Group Chat Names:  
> milk-boy: Melchior  
> Fairy Queen: Wendla  
> blue wind: Ilse  
> What's New Pussycat?: Hanschen  
> the cute one: Ernst  
> the short one: Thea  
> fairy squad mother: Melitta  
> will water meadows: Martha  
> Anna needs a nickname: Anna  
> Supreme Leader: Georg  
> Just Otto: Otto  
> eternal exhaustion: Moritz
> 
> Most of the names should be obvious enough to figure out why I chose them but for the rest:  
> Martha is 'will water meadows' because of the line in Do You Hear the People Sing?, "The blood of the martyrs (Marthas) will water the meadows of France" ha ha for bad puns  
> Anna's was chosen bc I'm lazy and I made a friend's name that in my own group chat once  
> Georg clearly chose his own  
> He also chose Otto's bc he asked Otto what nickname he wanted and he was like "just otto is fine" so yeah Georg was a smart ass  
> Moritz is 'external exhaustion''like you know because he's that sad, soulful, sleepy-head Moritz Stiefel and that was my nickname in the group chat until i changed it to 'Totally Fucked'
> 
> I hope you like this, please leave a kudos if you did, and a let me know what you thought in a comment :)  
> Feedback is like candy to me: sweet af xx


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